The time to graduate has come round again and it's with some trepidation that I face this graduation. Why trepidation? Well, I guess that's 'cos life has taught that if nothing else, irony has a way of "screwing up" expectations and plans.
There's a curious symmetry to life over the last 7/8 years. Frankly, I was miserable around the time of my graduation from university ; the weather mirrored the mood sudden gloomy skies and warm rain on a midsummer day in what was otherwise the hottest British summer then . There were a tonne of problems (from 2 years prior ) and I couldn't wait to leave the country and the misery behind . Back in S'pore, expectations of life becoming better soon shattered and the true meaning of out of the wok and into the fire became apparent. What was once a hilarious line from a sci-fi resonated with bitter irony : Just when you think you've seen the worst , worse comes along (and smacks you in the face )
Fast forward to the present ; older but none the wiser , I've accomplished nothing been nothing except survived those dark times when sometimes self -destruction was not far from the mind with a jaded sense of cynicism and detachment. The last 10 years have been a dark comedy ; I'm smiling though not laughing which is a step up from bitter rage. The ironic symmetry? Can't wait to leave this country and where hope and blind optimism was is a sense of cautious optimism dreading what next ? Would have considered selling soul to the Devil for a better life but considering I've the propensity to regret decisions and having read Faustus, didn't seem a good idea. Anyway, was so crap that the Devil didn't approach me
Having said that, I'm grateful that amidst the loneliness of depression, friends have been there. Be they passing/occasional friends , old friends or even friends who piss you off. 2 in particular have been there through all the tough and bitter times and tolerated all those rambling rantings. Though we're not each other's best friend we've told each other things that few others know and cringeworthy is the least of the possible descriptions. That we're friends is nothing short of a miracle.
With S, it's a symmetry of opposites: dosser vs workaholic , slob vs perfectionist , easy listening pop/jazz/swing vs techno , temperamental vs calmly rational ; need more be said ? Weirdly enough, S was the first friend I met in university , he was also the last friend I saw before leaving for Heathrow.
With Jo, a symmetry of scary (for her) similarities; coursemates, similar interests, similar initials and similar fantasies of winning the lottery ! Yet it's the differences that maintain the friendship ; her patience , her easygoing attitude, her cheerfulness and different taste in men!
Though we're not always there for each other , thanks for being a beacon amidst the darkness. No amount of bitterness will bring back time nor would I wish to go back in time - the past is thankfully the past Perhaps it's a matter of learning what you want from life by seeing what you don't want in life Perhaps the temperance of the last decade brings a sense of cautious optimism that there'll be better times and friendships ahead
J
